letting heart strings grow long

today i found myself doing the backstroke in the pond.  i closed my eyes, felt my body float in the top, warm layer of the water, and watched the light of the setting sun fill my world with light.  i thought about my life.

in a little over a month, i’ll be 25 – a quarter of a century – and, now that i think about it, i’m excited for the next year.  i guess that i’m excited about what all will happen in my life.  there was a time that i didn’t have a whole lot of faith that i was getting to where i needed to be – there are times that i still feel that way.  but mostly, my life has move in the direction of damn-near overwhelming for everything that is to come.  i think about the moment in american beauty (sorry, another movie quote – deal with it) where ricky is talking about the plastic bag video:

“it was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. and this bag was, like, dancing with me. like a little kid begging me to play with it. for fifteen minutes. and that’s the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. video’s a poor excuse, i know. but it helps me remember… and i need to remember… sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world i feel like i can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

that’s how i feel – like there is so much and my body can barely contain it.  there is so much out there and i can relax about wanting it all right now – it will all come right when it’s suppose to.  this 24th year has been very interesting.  i’ve mostly come to appreciate the randomness and the perfection in life.  i thought about the beginning of my relationships and where they are presently while i felt my toes dip below the thermocline of the pond.  i had no idea that the people  i love (if you’re reading this, most likely this includes you) would be what they are today when i first met them.  there are those that i loved, lost, and learned to love again.  there are those that i’ve always loved.  there are those that i’ve let to learn to love.  then i thought about where it would go from here and smiled as the flowers from the trees along the ponds blew in to the water and floated quietly past me.

blackberries, burning man, south pole frustrations, and sadness

blackberries

yesterday i did something that i haven’t done for a long time.  i walked the railroad tracks.  with each step i remembered how much i love abandoned rail lines and thought about building a handcar again – if only the plans weren’t $75.  besides the presence of beautiful flowers that are slowly breaking down the construction of man and the dry creek bed filled with amazing rocks, the tracks are lined with some of the most thick patches of blackberries.  and they are perfect this time of year.  so as i walked to the pub to read my book, i took about 15 minutes to sit quietly and eat berries until my hands were stained purple and my legs were bleeding from the thorns.  each time i thought i’d found the best berry, i’d see one just a bit further back.  as i felt the thorns cut my leg, i had to weigh how delicious i thought that berry would be versus how much pain i was willing to tolerate.  like i said, my hands were stained purple.

burning man

well, i think i’m going (august 24th/my birthday – september 2nd) for work.  so i get paid but don’t have to do that much.  i’m kind of excited to celebrate my quarter century birthday in the desert with a bunch of strange friends and friendly strangers.  you should come too – it’ll be fun. 

south pole frustrations

so with each day, i’m feeling less interested in going to antarctica.  this is mostly because i really like where i am now.  it truly is a once in a lifetime experience to have this job and live where i live.  antartica (despite the hangups that i’ve mentioned in previous posts) will be hiring the same number of people next year and i’ll be more qualified to do something that i actually enjoy doing/helps me learn.  but my growing disinterest is related to all the bullshit that they make you do in order to go.  peeing in cups, filling out lots of forms, taking online courses on information security, having to drive two hours round trip to do medical check-ups, and just putting up with pushy people.  right now i’m at about 85% sure i’m not going.  i’ll probably end up jumping through hoops so that i can still have the option to leave here when october comes.  but my life is really great right now – i’m very, very happy.  i guess it’s hard to understand if you’re not here. 

sadness

i had a feeling that it was inevitable – tonight i got a call that one of my guys that lived on my floor when i was an r.a. had died.  i’ve been thinking about it a lot.  another guy from the floor called as i was walking the train tracks again tonight (more berries and more reading at the pub) and told me.  we talked for awhile about all the good things we could remember (listening to boys 2 men, the same ratty t-shirt mike wore all the time, etc.) and i thought about people dying.  i realized that it’s only going to become more frequent as we get older – people die and that’s how it is.  i was sad – i still am.  but i realized that not only does the passing of time mean the passing of people, but it also means that you lose all the bad memories that you have of a person.  all i can remember are good things about mike and i hope that i can hang onto that for the rest of my life.  i suppose that is being successful – finding your happiness while leaving positive memories behind.  i thought about the part in waking ned divine where they are having the funeral for ned/michael.  most of it doesn’t apply to the michael i knew – we only knew each other for a couple semesters, but i think it’s still a great part. 

“michael o’sullivan was my great friend. but i don’t ever remember telling him that. the words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead.  what a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. to sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. michael and i grew old together. but at times, when we laughed, we grew young. if he was here now, if he could hear what i say, i’d congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend.”

wine bottles and my stars

everyday i think of a few things that i try to remember for these increasingly infrequent postings.  like i’ve already said, i don’t hang out with technology a lot these days.  so if i’ve been bad about e-mailing or calling or anything that involves me using something with buttons, i apologize.  here are a few things that i have remembered to write about.

since almost a year ago, i’ve been wanting to have my star charts read.  i can’t really say why – i suppose the best answer is that have good people in my life that have suggested it.  so when i norcal, do as the norcal do.  i had my “reading” done by a friend of a friend – an amazing woman named mary.  first of all, it was super informal.  no dark room with candles and silk curtains draped in dramatic ways.  mary and i just talked on the phone.  i have to say, it was awesome.  we talked about the connection between when and where i was born in relation to the celestial bodies and how that connects with my personality and experiences.  i don’t really want to type it out here – partially because it’s late and partially because i don’t want to dilute it’s meaning.  i suppose i want to say that my expectations were blown out of the water and i would recommend it to everyone.  i suppose that the moon controls the tides of the ocean and the cycles of women, why shouldn’t it and the other planets have profound effect on my trends and personality.  i tried to come into it in search of perspective, rather than in search of something to lean on.  i think that it’s dangerous to take what someone like mary says and run with it as truth.  it just sheds light on what you already knew.

i think the other great highlight recently was bottling wine.  for the last three months, my friend erik has been threating to have us up to his friend’s vineyard to help with some bottling.  i have been stoked since the beginning to do this and yesterday night was the night.  we helped for four hours at Le Vin Organic Mountaintop Vineyard.  last night was the bottling of a 2002 merlot (which means almost nothing to me – it all tastes like alcohol).  but it was a riot.  we jumped right in and all of us took a station.  some put nitrogen into the bottles, others filled the bottles with wine, others (me) put corks in, other applied labels and the foil cap, and finally others packed and loaded finished cases.  there was great music and amazing views from the vineyard.  everything was done by hand and each person had a small job that was critical.  i just thought it was cool that we each touched the bottle along the way and tried to stay focused (i was pretending i was a bootlegger the whole time since we were doing the bottling at night and in a barn way out in the country).  the owners made us really good food and filled our arms with wine as payment.  word on the street is that there is a pinot noir that needs bottling soon and we might be paid in more wine, olive oil, or money.  norcal is pretty fun.

there is heaps more, but i have sleep to catch.  tomorrow is a class all about wind power and i can’t wait!  love you all – i promise i’ll be in touch soon.

don’t think twice – it’s alright…

it’s nice to be back on the blog horse after so long on the ground.  i guess i feel that it connects me with people – for the last two months i’ve been pretty bad about being in touch.  i just didn’t want to be in touch.  i can’t explain why.  i simply knew that i needed to not call, not write, not share.  this wasn’t the rule across the board – in fact i feel that i used that time to grow closer to people that i was present with, some old and some new.  but i think that i’m done with whatever i needed.  i feel better for taking that time to appreciate what it was to be silent and build one connection at a time.  i’m glad to be back here with what i can only assume to be a group of friends that care enough to take the time to read my thoughts.

while i was in berkeley ashley and i watched a positively wretched cinematic adaptation of james redfield’s celestine prophecy.  i originally read the book when i was about thirteen and remember bits and pieces of it.  overall, i remember it being a very powerful book though i wasn’t really at a point in my life where i could appreciate the deeper meaning.  despite the terrible acting, i remembered more and more about the book – specifically the idea that everything exists within a larger flow.  according to the book, we can choose to step into this flow or choose to fight the connection.  if we choose to “go with the flow” we will start to see that everything is moving us toward where we need to be – patterns emerge, help presents itself, coincidences start to seem anything but.  i started thinking this in relation to moving to california.  i tried to explain it to ashley as a completely effortless experience.  by coincidence, i read about the solar living institute in a late 90’s real goods catalogue and decided to apply after college.  by coincidence, i meet ashley (her dad started real goods and the institute).  by coincidence, i am fired at a time in my life when i needed to break away from feeling that my life was following a path i didn’t want to be on.  by coincidence i am able to travel to california, visit the institute, and be offered a seven month opportunity.  by “coincidence” fails to do justice.  it was effortless – i just flowed to where i felt i needed to be.  stemming from this has been the feeling that so much is falling into place.  eerie.

this was part of setup that took waaaay too long to explain.  to the matter at hand.  i recently blogged about my options for travelling west.  i’m pretty much not interested in flying.  no adventure.  horrible for the environment. completely impersonal.  i rang eli for a positively lovely chat last night.  we always talk for a lot longer than i expect to – that’s a good thing.  but the topic turned to my thoughts on moving my body west.  greasel was discussed, as was flying and training.  but the focus was on hitching or finding a rideshare most of that portion of the phone call.  eli suggested craig’s list as a place to start for a rideshare.  i had, up to that point, completely forgotten about craig’s list.  even more, i didn’t even know they did rideshare posts.  so after the conversation, i posted a ride needed listing for early april in indy, chi, and cincin.  this was around 12:30am.  i check my e-mail at work today around 11:00am and BOOM – i have a potential ride.  a fella my age is leaving from indy at the end of march to drive slowly toward montana.  he has plenty of room and would like some company.  he’s heading to live at an intentional community and is driving through denver around the time that i need to be there for the antarctica job fair!  he wants to drive back roads and take several days to get there.  awesome right.  so hopefully i can ride with him and possibly talk him into taking me to montana to check out this community.  then i’ll have to find a ride to california somehow.  coincidence…hmmmm.  (editing note:  i misspelled coincidence every time in this post – except for this one).

so i will probably need to find someone to stay with in denver for a bit.  if you know anyone let me know and i’ll probably really like you for the rest of my life.   until then, go with the flow.  me?  i’m going to play some chess.

gross…

and it’s been well over a month since any significant posting.  here it is and it will be disappointing most likely.  i’m back in noblesville for a bit – reveling in the zero degree weather.  the last month was a whirlwind tour of the west coast.  seattle, san francisco – both amazing.  so amazing that i think that my home will be in northern california from april to october.  i think (fingers crossed) that i scored a gig at the solar living institute.  many thanks to ms. schaeffer in this regard – i know i’m pretty cool, but i think my chances of getting an internship wouldn’t have been nearly as good without her good words.  many thanks to you crunchy.

so yes – hopland, california.  a bit small but positively bursting with opportunities.  not only will i be learning heaps and moving closer to my goal of an off the grid farm in an intentional village, but i’ll be exploring all that is northern california.  in no particular order, i want to: work at a bakery; learn how to pick grapes and make wine; celebrate a solstice; grow my hair and beard (can i call it that?) long; learn how to surf; sleep under the stars of yosemite for at least two weeks; eat 90% of my food from an organic garden; and learn to be a more present and emotionally aware person.

post hopland is under the “who knows?” category.  there is a lot floating around – antarctica; off-grid business ventures; graduate school; yada yada yada.  i feel pretty good at the moment by just living in the moment.  i’m working at my dad’s place to make some money before heading west.  i’d like to make my way by one of five ways, in descending order by desirability:  1.) convert a diesel to greasel/biodiesel; 2.) ride my bike; 3.) ship my stuff and hitchhike; 4.) take a train; 5.) fly.  the first two are going to require quite a bit of money and time to get ready by april.  i am short on both.  the third is exciting but uncertain.  i’ve never really hitchhiked and think it might be a bit scary.  i would probably have to carry some kind of protection and i’m not sure how i feel about that.  the fourth would be rad but again expensive – a quick check showed $240 as the approximate fare one-way.  flying is lame:  it makes my head hurt, it’s horrible for the environment, and it’s not really traveling.  but it’s cheap – a second quick check showed $89 one-way.  it’s hard to pass that up.  but i have some time to think.  i’m looking for a cheap diesel truck if you know anyone around indy that is trying to get rid of one.

to sum up the bulk of my travels, i’ll leave it at this:  seattle = wonderful to see old friends in new places + fly hotbox honeys + precious kittens and pups + solid air hockey and pinball + righteous snowshoe adventure with two amazing people + good vegan food/junk food + crazy weather + fun seattle sightseeing.  san fran/berkeley = solid introductions to amazing people + mass transit adventures + breathtaking redwoods + spiritual oranges with j. muir + wearing tread of shoes from miles and miles of san fran streets + delicious raw foods + wonderful bread + lost in the woods at night + hopland splendor + solar living anticipation + zen chased with yoga + deeper friendships.

love you all.  i’m in noblesville and would love to see as many folks as possible.  i’ve got several secret projects going right now and would dig some buddies.  until next time…

oh, my flickr is doing strange things so i’m holding off on uploading the rest of my travel photos.  eli, if you read this – it’s uploading all my photos at a very small size and with crap resolution.  mystery: i set my preferences to “do no resize” and my camera has been taking photos at the same resolution as it did before all of this jargon happened.  i’ll call you back soon and we can noodle it.

the things that we say.

last night had me thinking about the things that we share with people and when we choose to share them. i think that it’s interesting that people tend to share the most important information in a friendship, relationship, etc. at the least appropriate times. for instance, drunk at new years. the cell phone lines were positively jammed last night as i tried to call as many people as possible. as i walked out into the room, i saw that everyone was on their phone pouring out well-wishes and love to someone far away. i wondered if last night was just another night that everyone was sharing their feelings and that it just happened to be new years eve. it would be silly to think this because i know that’s not the case in my life. new years is the world series of drunk dialing. people say things that they mean, but would probably never say as easily on other nights under lesser levels of intoxication.

but why is it so easy to say such important things on holidays or under the influence or both? is it because it’s scary to put yourself out there – a fear ofembarassment or rejection? or is it because everyone is somehow different on the holidays – a bit happier and open to sentiment?

then i thought a bit deeper. i thought first about how i, like a lot of people, can be very self-conscious of saying things like this in the day to day because i am scared of the other persons response. albeit lonely, it is easier to not take risks on telling other people how you really feel. i then thought about how this doesn’t apply when taking to other people about how you feel about one particular person. in fact, most people will talk about sentiment to anyone BUT the person who really needs to hear it.

not that i want everything to be completely mushy all the time. i just thought that relationships probably suffer because people are scared of airing their true thoughts and feelings. usually, feelings are pretty straight forward. but being tight-lipped, in my opinion, most likely compounds the self-consciousness of everyone. we don’t know how others feel, so we ourselves are less likely to share our feelings. our failure to overcome this fear makes it less likely for others to remain emotionally isolated. eventually, i think that relationships with people can hit a level that is nearly emotionally void. this level is easy because it allows for self gratification – you have a minimal bond with those around you and only engage enough to satisfy your basic social needs. it is a relationship of convenience.

all of this thinking made me appreciate those people in my life that constantly fight relationships of convenience. they provide affirmations of their feelings all the time. at first, i thought that this was really uncomfortable – someone would tell me that i was important to them and, rather that feeling drawn closer to them, i found myself repelled because i did know what to say and felt that people were trying to trick me into revealing vulnerable feelings. it’s completely fucked up that this was the case. i could go into a number of explanations to tie a web of background, but that is useless because that reaction is no longer the case. although still slow to respond, i have found that those in my life that share freely and without fear have reduced the fear i have to share openly. as a side benefit, these people have helped me see the true nature of my other relationships. once i had the comfort of a more open relationship, i found all others as lacking.

so i made another new years resolution last night – to no longer hold back how i feel with people that i care about. again, not going all mushy, but definitely not missing opportunities to let those in my life know how important they are.

we’ve gone so far – but how far have we gone off track?

last year i made a resolution to do the exact opposite of what my brain told me to do.  it was a pretty good resolution if you ask me.  nights where my brain told me to stay home and do work, i stayed out extra late.  trips that my brain said were a waste of time were taken.  people that i normally would have never approached were chatted up.  sure, there were a lot of times that i still fell in line with my brain – but all in all, i think that i did pretty well in sticking to my resolution.   it was good to challenge myself and step outside of that comfort zone.  i’ve found that it’s easy to fall into habits.  what things i didn’t go against my brain on, i at least considered my resolution before making the decision.

but this year i have to not only keep up with the current resolution, but also come up with a new one.  i don’t really have any vices to give up.  no smoking.  very little drinking.  no womanizing.  coffee no longer.  so i think that i have to go for something bigger – like the current resolution.  i don’t just want to give some thing up – like tofutti cuties.  i feel like i have to go bigger.  so this coming year, i’m resolving to  live each day fully.  and this sounds like a bullshit resolution, i know.  but really think about it.  if you resolved to use each minute of your day to learn new recipes, make beautiful art, talk with loving friends, see new places, and do good work – and really went after it – it would be a great year.  i feel like i can get in ruts where i end up doing things i don’t want to do, treating people in ways that i don’t want to treat them, and so forth.  i guess i’m intrigued by the monumental challenge of truly living.  it’s so easy, but i forget how all the time.  and it’s not just about doing bigger and better things.  for me, it’s just about appreciating each moment that i have.  i think that it’s the first step toward a greater sense of freedom from a society that can break a spirit down if you let it.

nothing lasts forever, even the cold November rain-yaaaaain.

i was meaning to put something else in the last post but it was late and i plum forgot.  if you are a consistent reader, you’d know that when this blog rolled over 1,000 i was pretty happy.  sure, it’s probably only a handful of people who read it frequently.  but i’m o.k. with the dillusion that it’s a heap of people that are really interested in the daily happenings of my flatlander life.

well if you check the counter now (on the side bar – it says “where you at”) you can see that i’m within 200 hits of the 2,000 mark.  at 1,000 i promised that i would write an entire post (of good size) about the person who was the 1,000th hit on the counter.  this didn’t work.  so i tried a wikipedia search and that didn’t really work (eli was the only one who tried and found it wicked hard to get from carebears to bubonic plague).  so i’m going back to the old approach.  if you happen to be the 2,000th person to visit the blog, you’ll get an awesome post all about you – including at least two good stories from the glorious past of our friendship.  so watch that counter and, as 2pac would say, “baby please don’t cry, ya gotta keep ya head up.”

if you stand on them, you feel ten feet tall.

i’ve been thinking about the west coast a lot lately.  after all the bullshit that happened about three weeks ago, i feel that i’m in need of a cleansing experience.  sometimes when people break up with someone or are broken up with, they do something drastic to change their appearance (dye their hair, cut their hair off, pierce something).  i think that i need something to wash the slate clean and move on from what was a very disappointing past four months.   that and i really miss my friends – some of whom i won’t see for a while if i didn’t take a trip.  it’s all very ballpark rightnow and i’m not promising myself anything because i usually back down from anything that involves large sums of money.  here’s what i have so far:

– leave indy on january 9th for seattle.

– stay in seattle and visit/explore/eat donuts  until january 18th.

– leave seattle for san francisco

– stay in SFO and repeat the seattle thang until january 31st.

– fly home.

i found airfare for a total of $343.00 – that’s about $14 per day.  since i’m planning to really only pay for food and some entertainment out there, this isn’t so bad.  but i wanna hear some thoughts.  stupid? sound good? hello, cheese?

but the miracle is in motion – finding new places where we belong.

it’s funny that when i’m not feeling particularly inspired to write something that i can be motivated by reading other’s posts.  case in point, i read eli’s most recent post about working all the time and realized that i haven’t really been working at all these days.  it’s amazing to me how easy to do absolutely nothing when you don’t have to worry about paying rent or buying food.  though it is troubling to be so stagnant and dependent – even if just for a few days.  i’ve spent the last five years pretty much running full speed with projects, school, and personal goals while pretty much providing for myself.  i know that this is just temporary and that i should appreciate this as time off.  but i’m already growing restless for more after just five days.

not that i want another job nor do i want to go back to school.  i feel that these are just easy options that people go after because they help fill the day and forget about what truly brings happiness.  yes, they bring money and that is necessary.  but we only NEED so much money.  i’m looking into both for the future, but i’m looking into a lot of other things.  Approximately 15 to be exact:

1.) Going to Cuba this summer

2.) Hiking the Knobstone Trail in Southern Indiana this winter

3.) Making a chair

4.) Applying for a bunch of cool jobs in the environmental field

5.) Being a substitute teacher

6.) Working at my brother’s gear shop

7.) Learning to weld for fun and to help me get a job in at the south pole

8.) Fixing my bike, which is hurting

9.) Learning to knit

10.) Learning to play a stringed instrument or the piano

11.) Starting a photo project and learning Photoshop/Illustrator

12.) Learning Spanish

13.) Make plans to visit Seattle in the late spring/early summer

14.) Making plans to thru-hike the AT or the PCT

15.) Read at least three books a month, starting with The Long Emergency

All of this is motivated by the general sickness that I feel from just sitting around all day and watching movies.  It kills passion for life.  So as I said in the last post – come along if you’d like.