wine bottles and my stars

everyday i think of a few things that i try to remember for these increasingly infrequent postings.  like i’ve already said, i don’t hang out with technology a lot these days.  so if i’ve been bad about e-mailing or calling or anything that involves me using something with buttons, i apologize.  here are a few things that i have remembered to write about.

since almost a year ago, i’ve been wanting to have my star charts read.  i can’t really say why – i suppose the best answer is that have good people in my life that have suggested it.  so when i norcal, do as the norcal do.  i had my “reading” done by a friend of a friend – an amazing woman named mary.  first of all, it was super informal.  no dark room with candles and silk curtains draped in dramatic ways.  mary and i just talked on the phone.  i have to say, it was awesome.  we talked about the connection between when and where i was born in relation to the celestial bodies and how that connects with my personality and experiences.  i don’t really want to type it out here – partially because it’s late and partially because i don’t want to dilute it’s meaning.  i suppose i want to say that my expectations were blown out of the water and i would recommend it to everyone.  i suppose that the moon controls the tides of the ocean and the cycles of women, why shouldn’t it and the other planets have profound effect on my trends and personality.  i tried to come into it in search of perspective, rather than in search of something to lean on.  i think that it’s dangerous to take what someone like mary says and run with it as truth.  it just sheds light on what you already knew.

i think the other great highlight recently was bottling wine.  for the last three months, my friend erik has been threating to have us up to his friend’s vineyard to help with some bottling.  i have been stoked since the beginning to do this and yesterday night was the night.  we helped for four hours at Le Vin Organic Mountaintop Vineyard.  last night was the bottling of a 2002 merlot (which means almost nothing to me – it all tastes like alcohol).  but it was a riot.  we jumped right in and all of us took a station.  some put nitrogen into the bottles, others filled the bottles with wine, others (me) put corks in, other applied labels and the foil cap, and finally others packed and loaded finished cases.  there was great music and amazing views from the vineyard.  everything was done by hand and each person had a small job that was critical.  i just thought it was cool that we each touched the bottle along the way and tried to stay focused (i was pretending i was a bootlegger the whole time since we were doing the bottling at night and in a barn way out in the country).  the owners made us really good food and filled our arms with wine as payment.  word on the street is that there is a pinot noir that needs bottling soon and we might be paid in more wine, olive oil, or money.  norcal is pretty fun.

there is heaps more, but i have sleep to catch.  tomorrow is a class all about wind power and i can’t wait!  love you all – i promise i’ll be in touch soon.

the milk-eyed mender

so here i am, listening to joanna newsom, trying to think of something to write about.  normally, i don’t just write a post to write a post.  there has to be some thought that i want to convey or bring people up to speed on.  i guess i’ll just do it bullet point by bullet point.

*  mostly, i’ve been working a lot.  this is kinda good because i really like where i work and work isn’t really work.  it’s some computer work, but mostly it doing fun stuff like working in the garden and the mini-farm, hanging out with the bees in the hive, helping with the natural building project or reading.  but it’s also a lot of time that i’m not doing non-work stuff.  there is a huge difference between working all the time while liking your job and not working so much while liking your job.  i guess i’ve noticed recently that the little things that normally keep me busy after work (cooking food, taking walks, building shit, reading, etc.) have been replaced with all things solar living institute.  i’m not sure how i feel about this – i like to learn so maybe i’m just trading old little things for new little things to keep me busy.  the simple fact is that now my work is my home.  the people i hang out with are who i’m technically in charge of.  it’s strange and it’s hard to connect with people on that level.  at least connect to a point that i’m happy.  i think that even if i weren’t their “boss,” i’d have a hard time connecting.  i was thinking about this the other day.  there are people in my life that i know and love tremendously.  these people are those that i want to hang out with all the time because i believe that they “get” me – even if it’s just a small amount.  although most of the people who read thing blog fall into this category (thus need no explaining), the most recent example is my new friend noah.  we first hung out at the permaculture first responder workshop at the SLI.  noah is best described as a bike-kid, anarcho-primitivist, heart-of-gold from oakland.  we got to talking about the impending collapse of our civilization and how excited we were to shed all the bullshit of our lives in the face of this human evolution.  it was nice because the conversation flowed really well – we hung out all weekend.  it’s funny that i am listening to joanna newsom because noah and i were talking about music after dinner and i told him that i wanted to play joanna for him just as he told me he wanted to show me her cd.  we actually said “joanna newsom” at the same time.  creeeeeepy.   the remainder of people are perfectly nice and lovely, but i always end up not really connecting with them.  so rather than think of things to talk about, i pretty much do my own thing.  that’s how most of my life is here.  i just haven’t connected with anyone.  it’s the only part that makes where i am not feel like home.

*  i almost bought a truck, but then didn’t.  since i’ve been here, my life has been contained within the 12 miles that connect the towns of hopland and ukiah.  i have no car and i hope it stays that way because cars are the figurehead of the sinking ship that is our current way of living.  i’ll call them a necessary evil because i am a product of this culture.  therefore, i’m drawn to travel.  i wanted a car to see what lies on the other side of of the mountain ranges to my east and my west.  i know the answer – some of the most beautiful mountains in the country and the pacific coast – but i want to see them and touch them.  also, it’s more to escape for a time.  i sent an e-mail to all of my co-workers to announce that i was in the market for an early-80s diesel truck, preferably small.  we have 100% biodiesel here so i thought it would be the less of the necessary evil.  enter jack into my life.  jack is crazy – medically.  he called the office about 3 days after my e-mail (he never read it) – his message spoke of sensing energy there that matched the energy of his truck.  he said he “had” to call.  so i give him a ring and experienced one of the craziest phone calls of my life – i wish i would have recorded the whole thing.  at the end of the conversation – jack decided that he was just going to bring the truck up to me to look at.  i wanted to be not talking to jack and hearing all about his plan to buy a kayak, equip it with solar panels, and paddle around the world.  jack shows up two days later and scares nearly everyone on site with crazy babble and i eventually meet him on the other side of the highway at his request.  the truck is awesome and i want to buy it.  but it’s too expensive.  jack is fully tweaking out as i look the bent rear bumper over.  he’s talking about how he’s off his meds and about to snap.  he has to get the truck off the trailer he drove it up on.  i don’t argue because i don’t want jack to try to stab me.  he told me he’d only sell it for $4500 – then he said he’s pay me $500 if i’d just take it – finally he told me that he’d take $4500 but give me $2000 back after i paid him.  it make no sense.  i find myself standing next to the truck, filled with jack’s shit, keys in hand as he speeds away.  my instructions are to drive the truck as much as i want – sell it if i wanted to – and wait for jack to call me about how much i could pay and when i wanted to go out for the steak dinner that he insisted we arrange (again, no talk of veganism for fear of being shanked).  i drive it – i like it – jack calls and accepts $1500 (d0wn from $4500) for the truck.  i think i have a nice little truck with a sleeper cab to adventure in.  two days again, while i was working on the oyster mushroom installation (bioremediation for the biodiesel pump), jack shows up – i assume to take my money for his solar powered kayak.  no.  he’s hitched up from 25 miles south .  he sold the car to someone else and asks for the keys.  i just give them to him and count myself lucky for getting rid of him from my life for time.  he tells me that he’s shown me the secret of my energy power (i had to promise not to tell anyone) and that he’ll remember me when he makes billions from reworking the interstates with a chain driven cable system (think rollercoaster being pulled up a hill, but for cars).  then he and the truck are gone.  so i almost bought a truck.

i’m sick of typing.  i’ll write more later when i’m not so impatient to read my new books on fruit trees.

horses made of gold.

o.k.  so here it is – the long anticipated update on my life in california.  all and all, life is very good right now.  the following things have happened:

• it has stopped raining for days at a time and thus, my nights in the tent are much more comfortable.
• i have recently be offered (and have accepted) a new job as the intern coordinator for the solar living institute.  very awesome – i’m amped.  this means that i’ll be making money, having full benefits – all while still being able to learn a lot and have the option to go to antarctica if i get a job offer (and i still want to go).  if the ice falls through, i have to option to sign on full time at an organization in which i see a lot of potential.
• i have had two job interviews for antarctica over the phone and two more solid possibilities online.  i think that i’ll most likely get offers for an alternate.  this means that i have to go through the whole hiring process and be “on-deck” if someone cancels at the last minute.  the chef from food services told me that he went through nine alternates last year and that the chances are strong that i’d go if i got that offer.
• the wildflowers are in bloom in hopland, california.

so yes, life has been very excellent recently.  i officially start my new job on monday, so i’ve been passing the days between by working on various things.  mostly, i’ve been helping build the showerhouse, which is natural building made of cob (combination of clay, sand, and straw that is very easily shaped and very hard when it dries.  i read a lot, cook alot, and just got really tired all of the sudden.  i’ll fill you in on details later.  here’s a question:

back in the day, i bought a tripod to take with me to seattle and san fran.  this tripod broke only a week after i bought it and i returned to the store where i bought it to exchange for a new version.  the new one was broken right out of the package (same trouble with the locking mechanism on the leg).  so i contact the company that makes the tripod and call bullshit.  they agree to exchange the broken one for any tripod that i want.  so i have to choose.  i am planning to buy a gorillapod to keep in my bag for the rare occasion when i need a tripod.  i could get their small tripod in exchange so that i can pack it along with me (not really necessary considering the gorillapod) or i could get their largest and fanciest one just because i can.  it’s heavier/longer, so i can’t pack it as easily, but it would be good to have it for the really rare times that i need a tripod bigger than a little gorillapod.  so what should i do?  get the big one because i can?  or stick to the small one because it is more easily travelled with?  please comment.

i’m going to bed.

endgame.

right.  so i live in california now.  i don’t have a car and the town i live in has about 800 people – mostly, from what i have seen, high school girls and people that rev their engines.  so i hang out with the people i live with a lot.  we make food, build shit that entertains us, and have campfires.  it’s pretty much awesome – everyone is warming up and i like it.  i’ve found that i’m quite the communal creature these days.  but when there are only 10 people around, it’s hard to always be hanging out with someone.  even if there was the potential, i wouldn’t want it.  i like the solitude every once and a while.  the nice part is that there is an amazing library that i have have access too – the complete lord of the rings to how to go off grid completely.  right now i’m in the middle of the solar living sourcebook, beginners beekeeping, straw-bale building, and – thankfully, endgame, volume one by derrick jensen.

jensen has come with high remarks from multiple people in my life that i respect a great deal.  although i was told by eli that it would be best to read the culture of make believe before endgame volume one, i am of limited resources (my new friend massey said that she would bring me a copy sooner or later), i jumped into the book.  at minimum, i read every morning for 30 minutes while i drink tea and eat oatmeal with maple syrup.  i’m just at the beginning, but i like it a lot already.  here is a good passage i read – and reread this morning:

“because we as a species haven’y fundamentally changed in the last several thousand years, since well before the dawn of civilization, each new child is still a human being, with the potential to become the sort of adult who can live sustainably on a particular piece of ground, if only the child is allowed to grow up within a culture that values sustainability, that lives by sustainability, that rewards sustainability, that tells itself stories reinforcing sustainability, and strictly disallows the sort of exploitation that would lead to unsustainability.  this is natural.  this is who we are.”

i think it can happen – it has to happen.

here in california

well i made the leap – and after only partially looking.  after nearly a week of travel by bus, train, and other people’s car, i arrived at the solar living institute in hopland, california.  the trip was long, but awesome.  i’ll try to describe it in brief bursts of description:

the greyhound – the trip was long and filled with a lot of people that i had nothing in common with.  they talked about doing drugs, divorce court, and mainstream pop-culture.  mostly, i kept to myself by listening to music, reading by lamplight, and staring out the window.  the most memorable moment was when during a pee-break in kansas.  i walked into the bathroom to find a fella at the urinal and the one next to home open.  i have no problem peeing next to someone, even if there isn’t a divider wall.  as soon as a saddled up to go, the guy next to me – stinking of cigarettes and intolerance – immediately zipped up and announced to the crowd that has lined up to be on-deck that he couldn’t stand it when “mother-fuckers like this guy stand next to me when i’m trying to piss – i can’t go.”  i immediately started laughing and announced that it was ridiculous and that maybe he should use a stall.  this cemented my “mother-fucker” label for the rest of the trip – i normally wouldn’t have said anything but in that i’d never seen the guy before the bathroom, it was completely ridiculous.  i was also at least a foot taller than the guy and had him by about 20 pounds.   all and all, the bus was cramped, and i arrived in denver very tired.

denver:  was a lot of fun.  it snowed when we rolled into town.  i managed to ditch my bags in a paid locker so that i could roam freely before seattle-six picked me up at the bus station.  i love walking around cities – not really going anywhere, just exploring.  i rode the buses, bummed around the library (the only big city library that doesn’t have wireless!), art museum, and state history museum (the free parts).  i tried to tour the denver mint – but it was booked solid (i guess people are really hung up on staring at money).  i found a good burrito (with free wireless!) and an excellent bookstore (the tattered cover).  i walked away with a full belly and three magazines.

raytheon job fair:  eli, mere, morgan, marie, bookis, n8, and cedar picked me up around 7:15PM – nine hours after i arrived – and we rolled to centennial, colorado.  it was awesome to see everyone again – the last time was in january when i was in seattle for two weeks.  it made me miss old friends and made the thought of six months with minimal human contact seem daunting.  there was a hotel, some amazing indian food, some terrible diner hashbrowns, and a cramped ride to raytheon’s polar services office.  the job fair was about 90% standing in lines and 10% talking with people that were – in most cases – not actually the ones hiring people to go to antarctica.  most conversations were a realization that i was woefully underskilled.  however, i had a lot of success with the food services, housing services, supply depot, cargo handling, and waste management tables.  i liked the people and the jobs sounded bearable.  so far there has been two call backs:  production cook and materials-person.  i’m still holding out for the waste management job.  probably won’t get it, but ya never can tell.

boulder – was a blast.  the gang dropped me at the 26th street mall an i waited for savie to pick me up.  he did and we proceeded to get warm off bourbon before heading to a really expensive and not that impressive concert.  the highlight was getting a drink spilled on me by a really cute waitress.  i always am impressed by people that do light touch – they need to get by and they gently put their hand on your side or your shoulder.  i think its really strange that people are so freaked out by touch – its really quite nice.  the second day i walked around boulder to check it all out.  i had a nice chat with kitty – who has moved to boulder from bloomington a few months ago.  it was a beautiful day and boulder is a nice place to visit – but i certainly wouldn’t want to live there.  in the evening, we went to a truly fucked up party.  it was at a bouldering gym, which was really cool.  there was breakdancing, decent djs, and a fair number of people.  but there was also really “artsy” music:  noise music with girls reverse stripping (nearly naked to being overly clothed) and a guy with a canvas and a marker in the mouth making “art.”  i had to hand it to the girls for getting down in a room full of strangers – i never thought that getting dressed could be so damn sexy.  the rest was crap.  there was also a fashion show that was composed mostly of topless girls painted in various fashions.  so overall, there was a lot of nakedness.  but when combined with the odd lighting, noise music, and drunk people it seemed like a very strange movie.  i slept in the back of savie’s truck before getting up to catch the bus to denver and my train west.

the train – this was perhaps the best part of the entire trip.  the scenery was amazing: the rocky mountain passes, the high desert of utah and nevada, and the pines of the sierra nevada mountains.  it was also awesome because i could: get up and move around; lean my seat back quit a bit, extend the leg rest, and stretch out on the seat next to me (i slept really well); hang out in the observation car; eat vegan gardenburgers in the cafe; have diner in the dining car; and meet really cool people in the process.  however, by the second day i was ready to be in hopland.  it was getting tiresome to haul around my stuff and worry about it getting stolen.  my ipod disappeared in the shuffle, which sucks.  but i’m pretty much over it by now.

california – i got to hopland last tuesday after a night in martinez (home of j.muir), a bus ride north, and a wait at the co-op in ukiah.  so far it has been a range of emotions.  all and all – there has been very little introduction to the whole place.  kinda every person for themselves.  in a way, this has been really disappointing.  for the most part, the interns here aren’t interested in hanging out or getting to know one another.  this is partially because everyone is either newly arrived or soon to be departed.  i’ve been pushing communal meals via big pots of soup, trays of roasted potatoes and lots of fresh bread, but no one seems to want to go beyond just eating and leaving dirty dishes for someone (usually me) to clean up.  i’ve come to the early conclusion that i’m not interested in living communally with anyone but close friends and/or those who are interested in equal division of labor.  it’s frustrating, but i’ve been working to not let it piss me off.  by and large, i am stoked to be here – communal life or not.  the site is amazing: huge solar arrays that produce all the energy we need, amazing gardens that produce all the food we need, a nice big kitchen, and a workshop full of tools and wood.  i’ve been building a lot of projects (solar oven, supports for the rammed earth shower house that is going up in the village, planning for a solar drying rack and a bouldering wall).  this has kept me occupied.  however, it has been raining a lot.  my tent was leaking after two sold days of rain so i transferred my stuff to the communal yurt (round mongolian structure).  i stoked the fire and slept pretty damn well.  the mountains are beautiful here – especially in the morning when they are shrouded in mist.  i have a feeling that i’ll like living here a lot.  i also had a job interview on friday for a staff position with the solar living institute.  it was for intern coordinator (i told them i didn’t expect to get it – its hard to be chief when you just moved to the village).  but if on some off chance that i get it, it would put me in norcal for at least a year.  so if that happens, i’ll have to decide between antarctica and california.  the potential the learn an incredible amount is practically dripping from the trees here.  it’ll be a hard decision if i have to make it.

alright, the rain has let up and the sun is shining.  time to dry out my sleeping bag and plaster a few walls in the winter sleeping quarters!

gross…

and it’s been well over a month since any significant posting.  here it is and it will be disappointing most likely.  i’m back in noblesville for a bit – reveling in the zero degree weather.  the last month was a whirlwind tour of the west coast.  seattle, san francisco – both amazing.  so amazing that i think that my home will be in northern california from april to october.  i think (fingers crossed) that i scored a gig at the solar living institute.  many thanks to ms. schaeffer in this regard – i know i’m pretty cool, but i think my chances of getting an internship wouldn’t have been nearly as good without her good words.  many thanks to you crunchy.

so yes – hopland, california.  a bit small but positively bursting with opportunities.  not only will i be learning heaps and moving closer to my goal of an off the grid farm in an intentional village, but i’ll be exploring all that is northern california.  in no particular order, i want to: work at a bakery; learn how to pick grapes and make wine; celebrate a solstice; grow my hair and beard (can i call it that?) long; learn how to surf; sleep under the stars of yosemite for at least two weeks; eat 90% of my food from an organic garden; and learn to be a more present and emotionally aware person.

post hopland is under the “who knows?” category.  there is a lot floating around – antarctica; off-grid business ventures; graduate school; yada yada yada.  i feel pretty good at the moment by just living in the moment.  i’m working at my dad’s place to make some money before heading west.  i’d like to make my way by one of five ways, in descending order by desirability:  1.) convert a diesel to greasel/biodiesel; 2.) ride my bike; 3.) ship my stuff and hitchhike; 4.) take a train; 5.) fly.  the first two are going to require quite a bit of money and time to get ready by april.  i am short on both.  the third is exciting but uncertain.  i’ve never really hitchhiked and think it might be a bit scary.  i would probably have to carry some kind of protection and i’m not sure how i feel about that.  the fourth would be rad but again expensive – a quick check showed $240 as the approximate fare one-way.  flying is lame:  it makes my head hurt, it’s horrible for the environment, and it’s not really traveling.  but it’s cheap – a second quick check showed $89 one-way.  it’s hard to pass that up.  but i have some time to think.  i’m looking for a cheap diesel truck if you know anyone around indy that is trying to get rid of one.

to sum up the bulk of my travels, i’ll leave it at this:  seattle = wonderful to see old friends in new places + fly hotbox honeys + precious kittens and pups + solid air hockey and pinball + righteous snowshoe adventure with two amazing people + good vegan food/junk food + crazy weather + fun seattle sightseeing.  san fran/berkeley = solid introductions to amazing people + mass transit adventures + breathtaking redwoods + spiritual oranges with j. muir + wearing tread of shoes from miles and miles of san fran streets + delicious raw foods + wonderful bread + lost in the woods at night + hopland splendor + solar living anticipation + zen chased with yoga + deeper friendships.

love you all.  i’m in noblesville and would love to see as many folks as possible.  i’ve got several secret projects going right now and would dig some buddies.  until next time…

oh, my flickr is doing strange things so i’m holding off on uploading the rest of my travel photos.  eli, if you read this – it’s uploading all my photos at a very small size and with crap resolution.  mystery: i set my preferences to “do no resize” and my camera has been taking photos at the same resolution as it did before all of this jargon happened.  i’ll call you back soon and we can noodle it.

there goes gravity

quite a bit has happened in the last month and once again i’m faced with a personal struggle: do i try to write about all the cool things that i’ve seen and done (makings of a very long post); or do i just focus on the most important developments of my life (keeping this thing much shorter)?

let’s go for door number two.

so i’m back in indiana and, for the immediate future, back for awhile.  why you ask?  quite simple: i was fired from my job on thursday night.

yeah, fired.   they called it “let go,” but it was a solid firing.  yet it was so much more than that – i’d call it an ideological purge.

i’ve been talking with scores of people on the phone for the last two days about the topic and, honestly, i thought i had the energy to retell the story.  at this moment, i simply don’t.  i wrote a lengthy e-mail about it the day after the ax fell and i’ll just copy and paste. you know you want to judge my laziness – i’m o.k. with it.

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As many of you know by now, Green Corps has officially fired me as of 8:30PM yesterday.  I had a conversation with David for an hour and fifteen minutes, during which he expressed to me that it was his final decision and that there was not possibility for me to discuss the situation in hopes of that decision being changed.

The official reason that David gave me for terminating my training experience was that he did not think that I was a good fit for Green Corps and that I was not making steady and consistent progress on improving upon my engagement within the program.  In that we are a small group, I know that you all know me fairly well.  Therefore, I hope that you, like me, are able to recognized that this reason holds absolutely no water and is not based on any form of sound rationale.  My thoughts are that this decision was made more upon the fact that Green Corps and the individuals that compose its central staff are lacking in their ability to be a true training program and handle true critical thought and constructive dialogue. I can confidently say that it I believe that my termination was made out of a weak, fearful, and completely closed perspective.

Three things should be known:

1.) This decision was not mutual – throughout our conversation, I made an consistent effort to work with David to find a solution for Green Corps and myself to continued working together.  All of my efforts were moot -  David had no interest in having an open-mind nor in listening to my questions.  Despite going point by point on how I have made a consistent effort to improve myself within the program, maintain a constructive, open, and positive attitude, and have faith that my struggles were a normal part of a difficult training program and that I would be successful if I simply “stuck with it,” David could not adequately counter my points with rational points of his own and maintained a broken record of “I’m sorry you feel that way – Clearly we aren’t seeing eye to eye – But this is my final decision.”

2.) This decision was not proceeded by fair warning.  My conversation last night with David was the first time that I was ever made aware that I was not progressing fast enough by Green Corps standards.  As any logical person would think, such information would come to light during the time specifically set aside by the program for such information – the self-evaluation.  However, during our hour and a half self-evaluation conversation (which I came away from positive and excited to start my work in Minneapolis), David never once mentioned my pace, nor my fit with the program as a weakness or concern.  Further, these words have never passed the lips of any of the central staff.  The only weakness that David did mentioned after no less than four listed strengths was “Delegating Responsibility and Trusting Others to Carry Them Out.”  Further, my conversations with the central staff in October training were all positive and I felt comfortable in their willingness to work with me under all circumstances.  Given this and the fact that I expected any and all concerns of the staff to come to light during the self-evaluation, my termination under such ridiculous terms seems surreal and took me by complete surprise.

3.) The grounds for my termination are without merit and run contradictory to the fundamental tenets of a train/education process.  In my mind, training is built upon an open and honest exchange within critical dialogue.  There is no failing in a training or education progress that is built upon this foundation, save a complete refusal to participate or an unwillingess to seek improvement.  I am not without fault in these circumstances.  In that I am one half of the relationship between Green Corps and myself, I am willing to bear some of the burden.  I am guilty of not immediately agreeing with Green Corps and asking questions when, perhaps, I should have been more docile and tight-lipped  However, I feel that these are not faults and that the failing in this situation falls most squarely and heavily upon the shoulders of the central staff.  From the beginning of this experience, I have struggled with the program.  I have been and will continue to be a mind that values positive critical analysis and seek constructive growth despite struggles.  From each negative experience or uncomfortable situation from this program, I have always made an effort to seek the positive lesson that is omnipresent.  However, Green Corps fired me for qualities they asked me to embody: honesty, openness on communication, and a willingness to try things that were uncomfortable in good faith of the program.  Though I cannot say that I was 100% successful (I am human and perfectionism is, as Anne Lamott writes “the voice of the oppressor”) but that I woke everyday with a determination to better embody these qualities and improve my Green Corps experience.  When the central staff asked my to embody these qualities, I assumed that they were planning to embody those qualities themselves.  Given the recent experience, I can confidently state that David and the central staff have failed to exercise honesty, open communication, and a willingness to engage in uncomfortable situations with faith of the end product.  Given that we are only quarter of the way into the program, for David to make such a decision that impacts not only my life but also the program seem premature, short-sighted, and simply ignorant.  As much as I’d like to think that David and the central staff possess the ability of foresight, I doubt this given the point that we are in the program and their level of sagely wisdom.

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so yes – i’m happy with being done with green corps.  they were, are, and most likely will continue to be a bogus organization.  i am bummed that my work with the remaining organizers has come to an end for now.  i was excited to see them in colorado and work with them in florida.  but my life is wide open.  as eli has written in his blog, happiness lies in the appreciation of life.  i am fully appreciating the possibility of doing absolutely anything.  i’m thinking of three weeks in seattle for a proper visit, a trip to cuba in the summer, and maybe a month hiking the pacific crest trail.  if any of these things interest you, let’s be associates.

a fair wisconsin.

for the last few days, i have shifted my focus away from conservation and have been pouring myself into work with fair wisconsin.  currently, there is a referendum on the november 7th ballot that will amend the constitution to ban same-sex marriage and invalidate all “legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals…”  this amazes me.  there are times that i forget that the world is sick with ignorance and fear over people living their lives as they choose.  then i remember that the current polls place 46% voting for this amendment and 46% voting against.  that it should even be a question is the real frustration.  regardless of what people might say, america is not the home of the free.  our freedom, like our moral righteousness in regard to imperialism, is a shame.  there are freedoms that are core, but the fact that there are continued assaults on the legal protections for both abortion and same-sex/civil unions make me notice the lines that our freedom has to color within.  this compounds with my growing disgust for the existing power structure.  i realize that my work now is, to a large part, pandering to the status quo – playing the game by their rules.  we define “power” with the terms of the current power-holders.  our battles are fought with votes and money.  my questions is not if these battles should be fought – anyone who truly knows me could know my committment to progressive social change – but if we should even waste our time working with bullshit politicians and crooked corporations.  what i’m looking for is a redefinition of what “power” really is and what social structures we really “need” to exist.

i told mike today that my anarchist tendencies are growing more and more as i get older.  i realize that this society may not be able to be or may not be worth fixing.  i believe that it will lapse and our lives will change dramatically, including the restructuring of our power structure (hopefully) toward a more local and village structure.  but i know very little of anarchism – i do know that i truly believe in community build upon mutual respect.  i think that the anarchism word is used far too freely.  i question if i could truly see anarchy and be happy.  then again, that is the programming that i’ve been given since birth.  society is our mother, we need her for our survival.  i guess where i’m going with all of this is that i believe that the current structure for power is fundamentally flawed and must be replaced by a power structure that i’ve yet to fully understand.  more on these ramblings later i suppose.

so i’ve been putting in really, really long days at the fair wisconsin office in milwaukee.  i leave home around 7:15AM and make it home around 11:30PM – exhusted, but excited.  there is a huge possibility that we will defeat this ban and wisconsin will become the first state to defeat such a measure.  this, above all others, it a reason to fight.  i read a great labor strike quote out of germany: “if you fight, you may lose; if you don’t fight, you’ve already lost.”  nothing could be more true.  i do whatever is needed – run canvass materials, set up literature pieces, phone volunteers and voters, and direct field canvasses.  i’m stoked for tuesday – i think i’m going to just sleep at the milwaukee office tomorrow night.  it’s not everyday that you can make history and shove a rejected ban right up the asses of the marriage defenders.  its really late and i’ve been working for 16 hours – so the post is a bit here and there.  i might follow up on this later, esp. on anarchy and the concept of society deconstruction.

grease on the go.

so i think i’ve decided that i’m going to get a new used car.  i have my truck right now – its a 1988 jeep comanche that is great.  but i realized that the piss-poor gas mileage overrides any cool aspects of the car.  only 17MPG.  when i lived in bloomington, this was fine in that i never drove.  every couple weeks i would drive to the laundry-mat or the grocery store or my parents.  but by and large, the truck sat parked on 6th street.

these days i’m driving all the time and can’t justify working to reduce the causative factors of global warming while driving a truck that guzzles gas.  so i got on e-bay and found two cars that i really want to buy – both are diesel engines with greasel conversions and both are under $3,000.  i’d have to finish the conversion (installing the grease tank, etc), but it’s not too hard from what i understand.  the first is an excellent 1987 VW Jetta Diesel and the second is a 1988 Ford Bronco.  both get around 50MPG and, if i ran greasel, could be driven for free.   bomb. so i’m pushing for it – i just have to get a loan to pay for this stuff.

humans can be the cutest of animals some times.

i feel that i should write something new. nothing long – something fresh. i’m still doing community organizing in waukesha, wisconsin. it’s really fucking hard and every day i think i’m going to pack my bags and try to make it to the north woods before the leaves turn. it’s the most pro-life, pro-development, pro-white place in wisconsin. either they sent me here to organize to destroy me or make me believe that i could pull off the impossible. it’s slow going and i have more phones hung up on me than i’d like to admit, but i’ve come to a realization. the midwest is my home and, as much as i have fought it in the past, i know that i’ll always be that in my heart – regardless of where my life takes me. my friend from boston who was organizing with me before she quit pointed out that of all the places where change had to happen, the midwest was the place. we are the cradle of everything that is going ass up: SUVs, baby farm housing developments, and neo-conservatives who, like the man i spoke with last night, believe that global warming is “foolery.” i know that i have to try to change the midwestern tracks before the train derails.

but i’ve started making plans for when that derailment happens. i’ve recently met a fella who is working on connections for me to get down to cuba and work with urban agriculture and permaculture programs down there before the U.S. tries to recolonize the island. jim is who i am living with. he is perhaps one of the most excellent guys i have recently met – retired, but committed to social change. he currently is being pursued by the u.s government for travelling to cuba as an act of civil disobedience – the fine is around $7500. we’ve been talking about cuba and where our lives could be if….

i’m sticking with the organizing gig for right now. i’ve met some excellent union organizers in the area, as well as several hispanic community organizers. all of these people have made me realize that i need to do this work for the rest of my life – there will always be a fight to fought and our side is always in need people. it has also thrown my present job into stark contrast. i have, for the last several weeks, been defying my boss by doing exactly what i think should be done. there is no longer any misconnceptions on my willingness to “play ball.” i am using the job to really work with people who are affected by the issues i’m focusing on – not just middle/upper class white folks who have the luxury of caring. this makes it really hard, but 10x more rewarding. i realize now that i need to learn spanish on a fluent level – for cuba and to speak the people in community.

i bought a nikon d50 digital slr off ebay and it’s coming on monday. get ready for photos, suckas.

and i’m going to chicago this weekend to see my brothers and possibly attend the chicago branch of the nation-wide peace march. i heard about it on the really awesome wisconsin public radio station. no clue where it is, but i’m sure i can track it down.

another poem for the autumn equinox, lunar eclipse, and new moon (all tomorrow 9/22, thanks to the lovely ashley out in N.C):

Twilight: After Haying by Jane Kenyon

Yes, long shadows go out
from the bales; and yes, the soul
must part from the body:
what else could it do?

The men sprawl near the baler,
too tired to leave the field.
They talk and smoke,
and the tips of their cigarettes
blaze like small roses
in the night air. (It arrived
and settled among them
before they were aware.)

The moon comes
to count the bales,
and the dispossessed —
Whip-poor-will Whip-poor-will
— sings from the dusty stubble.

These things happen . . . the soul’s bliss
and suffering are bound together
like the grasses . . . .

The last, sweet exhalations
of timothy and vetch
go out with the song of the bird;
the ravaged field
grows wet with dew.