motorcycle

well it has been a while since i’ve done something really stupid.  not stupid as in locking keys in the car or putting my foot in my mouth – those are considered regular occurances.  nope, i needed something that my brain couldn’t rationalize at all.  today it learning to ride a motorcycle. 

my friend christina is around to help with some natural building and she rode her motorcycle/dirt bike/whatever it is.  i immediately wanted to ride despite being taught that motorcyles are very, very dangerous and promising that i would never get one one.  i can definatively say that the first statement is true and that i broke the second statement.

the first ride around was simple enough – it was just like a 4-wheeler.  so i rode and felt pretty bad ass.  but then i decided to keep going and immediately went down.  nothing major – some scrapes and bruises for both myself and the bike.  also my left ankle is pretty sore but i can walk so i think it’s fine – maybe a little sprained.  but it was fun.  i got right back on the bike (well christina told me to get back on) and rode around with a good deal more respect for the machine that was between my legs.  i think it was good because i now know that i have very little interest in riding a motorcyle all the time.  they are cool and all, but i think that the pros don’t outweigh the cons.  namely, the cons are that you can easily die at any given time and i have known people who have died in freak accidents that weren’t that serious.  so lesson learned – and i have a cool set of cuts to tell people about!

letting heart strings grow long

today i found myself doing the backstroke in the pond.  i closed my eyes, felt my body float in the top, warm layer of the water, and watched the light of the setting sun fill my world with light.  i thought about my life.

in a little over a month, i’ll be 25 – a quarter of a century – and, now that i think about it, i’m excited for the next year.  i guess that i’m excited about what all will happen in my life.  there was a time that i didn’t have a whole lot of faith that i was getting to where i needed to be – there are times that i still feel that way.  but mostly, my life has move in the direction of damn-near overwhelming for everything that is to come.  i think about the moment in american beauty (sorry, another movie quote – deal with it) where ricky is talking about the plastic bag video:

“it was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. and this bag was, like, dancing with me. like a little kid begging me to play with it. for fifteen minutes. and that’s the day i knew there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. video’s a poor excuse, i know. but it helps me remember… and i need to remember… sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world i feel like i can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

that’s how i feel – like there is so much and my body can barely contain it.  there is so much out there and i can relax about wanting it all right now – it will all come right when it’s suppose to.  this 24th year has been very interesting.  i’ve mostly come to appreciate the randomness and the perfection in life.  i thought about the beginning of my relationships and where they are presently while i felt my toes dip below the thermocline of the pond.  i had no idea that the people  i love (if you’re reading this, most likely this includes you) would be what they are today when i first met them.  there are those that i loved, lost, and learned to love again.  there are those that i’ve always loved.  there are those that i’ve let to learn to love.  then i thought about where it would go from here and smiled as the flowers from the trees along the ponds blew in to the water and floated quietly past me.

blackberries, burning man, south pole frustrations, and sadness

blackberries

yesterday i did something that i haven’t done for a long time.  i walked the railroad tracks.  with each step i remembered how much i love abandoned rail lines and thought about building a handcar again – if only the plans weren’t $75.  besides the presence of beautiful flowers that are slowly breaking down the construction of man and the dry creek bed filled with amazing rocks, the tracks are lined with some of the most thick patches of blackberries.  and they are perfect this time of year.  so as i walked to the pub to read my book, i took about 15 minutes to sit quietly and eat berries until my hands were stained purple and my legs were bleeding from the thorns.  each time i thought i’d found the best berry, i’d see one just a bit further back.  as i felt the thorns cut my leg, i had to weigh how delicious i thought that berry would be versus how much pain i was willing to tolerate.  like i said, my hands were stained purple.

burning man

well, i think i’m going (august 24th/my birthday – september 2nd) for work.  so i get paid but don’t have to do that much.  i’m kind of excited to celebrate my quarter century birthday in the desert with a bunch of strange friends and friendly strangers.  you should come too – it’ll be fun. 

south pole frustrations

so with each day, i’m feeling less interested in going to antarctica.  this is mostly because i really like where i am now.  it truly is a once in a lifetime experience to have this job and live where i live.  antartica (despite the hangups that i’ve mentioned in previous posts) will be hiring the same number of people next year and i’ll be more qualified to do something that i actually enjoy doing/helps me learn.  but my growing disinterest is related to all the bullshit that they make you do in order to go.  peeing in cups, filling out lots of forms, taking online courses on information security, having to drive two hours round trip to do medical check-ups, and just putting up with pushy people.  right now i’m at about 85% sure i’m not going.  i’ll probably end up jumping through hoops so that i can still have the option to leave here when october comes.  but my life is really great right now – i’m very, very happy.  i guess it’s hard to understand if you’re not here. 

sadness

i had a feeling that it was inevitable – tonight i got a call that one of my guys that lived on my floor when i was an r.a. had died.  i’ve been thinking about it a lot.  another guy from the floor called as i was walking the train tracks again tonight (more berries and more reading at the pub) and told me.  we talked for awhile about all the good things we could remember (listening to boys 2 men, the same ratty t-shirt mike wore all the time, etc.) and i thought about people dying.  i realized that it’s only going to become more frequent as we get older – people die and that’s how it is.  i was sad – i still am.  but i realized that not only does the passing of time mean the passing of people, but it also means that you lose all the bad memories that you have of a person.  all i can remember are good things about mike and i hope that i can hang onto that for the rest of my life.  i suppose that is being successful – finding your happiness while leaving positive memories behind.  i thought about the part in waking ned divine where they are having the funeral for ned/michael.  most of it doesn’t apply to the michael i knew – we only knew each other for a couple semesters, but i think it’s still a great part. 

“michael o’sullivan was my great friend. but i don’t ever remember telling him that. the words that are spoken at a funeral are spoken too late for the man who is dead.  what a wonderful thing it would be to visit your own funeral. to sit at the front and hear what was said, maybe say a few things yourself. michael and i grew old together. but at times, when we laughed, we grew young. if he was here now, if he could hear what i say, i’d congratulate him on being a great man, and thank him for being a friend.”

wine bottles and my stars

everyday i think of a few things that i try to remember for these increasingly infrequent postings.  like i’ve already said, i don’t hang out with technology a lot these days.  so if i’ve been bad about e-mailing or calling or anything that involves me using something with buttons, i apologize.  here are a few things that i have remembered to write about.

since almost a year ago, i’ve been wanting to have my star charts read.  i can’t really say why – i suppose the best answer is that have good people in my life that have suggested it.  so when i norcal, do as the norcal do.  i had my “reading” done by a friend of a friend – an amazing woman named mary.  first of all, it was super informal.  no dark room with candles and silk curtains draped in dramatic ways.  mary and i just talked on the phone.  i have to say, it was awesome.  we talked about the connection between when and where i was born in relation to the celestial bodies and how that connects with my personality and experiences.  i don’t really want to type it out here – partially because it’s late and partially because i don’t want to dilute it’s meaning.  i suppose i want to say that my expectations were blown out of the water and i would recommend it to everyone.  i suppose that the moon controls the tides of the ocean and the cycles of women, why shouldn’t it and the other planets have profound effect on my trends and personality.  i tried to come into it in search of perspective, rather than in search of something to lean on.  i think that it’s dangerous to take what someone like mary says and run with it as truth.  it just sheds light on what you already knew.

i think the other great highlight recently was bottling wine.  for the last three months, my friend erik has been threating to have us up to his friend’s vineyard to help with some bottling.  i have been stoked since the beginning to do this and yesterday night was the night.  we helped for four hours at Le Vin Organic Mountaintop Vineyard.  last night was the bottling of a 2002 merlot (which means almost nothing to me – it all tastes like alcohol).  but it was a riot.  we jumped right in and all of us took a station.  some put nitrogen into the bottles, others filled the bottles with wine, others (me) put corks in, other applied labels and the foil cap, and finally others packed and loaded finished cases.  there was great music and amazing views from the vineyard.  everything was done by hand and each person had a small job that was critical.  i just thought it was cool that we each touched the bottle along the way and tried to stay focused (i was pretending i was a bootlegger the whole time since we were doing the bottling at night and in a barn way out in the country).  the owners made us really good food and filled our arms with wine as payment.  word on the street is that there is a pinot noir that needs bottling soon and we might be paid in more wine, olive oil, or money.  norcal is pretty fun.

there is heaps more, but i have sleep to catch.  tomorrow is a class all about wind power and i can’t wait!  love you all – i promise i’ll be in touch soon.

the milk-eyed mender

so here i am, listening to joanna newsom, trying to think of something to write about.  normally, i don’t just write a post to write a post.  there has to be some thought that i want to convey or bring people up to speed on.  i guess i’ll just do it bullet point by bullet point.

*  mostly, i’ve been working a lot.  this is kinda good because i really like where i work and work isn’t really work.  it’s some computer work, but mostly it doing fun stuff like working in the garden and the mini-farm, hanging out with the bees in the hive, helping with the natural building project or reading.  but it’s also a lot of time that i’m not doing non-work stuff.  there is a huge difference between working all the time while liking your job and not working so much while liking your job.  i guess i’ve noticed recently that the little things that normally keep me busy after work (cooking food, taking walks, building shit, reading, etc.) have been replaced with all things solar living institute.  i’m not sure how i feel about this – i like to learn so maybe i’m just trading old little things for new little things to keep me busy.  the simple fact is that now my work is my home.  the people i hang out with are who i’m technically in charge of.  it’s strange and it’s hard to connect with people on that level.  at least connect to a point that i’m happy.  i think that even if i weren’t their “boss,” i’d have a hard time connecting.  i was thinking about this the other day.  there are people in my life that i know and love tremendously.  these people are those that i want to hang out with all the time because i believe that they “get” me – even if it’s just a small amount.  although most of the people who read thing blog fall into this category (thus need no explaining), the most recent example is my new friend noah.  we first hung out at the permaculture first responder workshop at the SLI.  noah is best described as a bike-kid, anarcho-primitivist, heart-of-gold from oakland.  we got to talking about the impending collapse of our civilization and how excited we were to shed all the bullshit of our lives in the face of this human evolution.  it was nice because the conversation flowed really well – we hung out all weekend.  it’s funny that i am listening to joanna newsom because noah and i were talking about music after dinner and i told him that i wanted to play joanna for him just as he told me he wanted to show me her cd.  we actually said “joanna newsom” at the same time.  creeeeeepy.   the remainder of people are perfectly nice and lovely, but i always end up not really connecting with them.  so rather than think of things to talk about, i pretty much do my own thing.  that’s how most of my life is here.  i just haven’t connected with anyone.  it’s the only part that makes where i am not feel like home.

*  i almost bought a truck, but then didn’t.  since i’ve been here, my life has been contained within the 12 miles that connect the towns of hopland and ukiah.  i have no car and i hope it stays that way because cars are the figurehead of the sinking ship that is our current way of living.  i’ll call them a necessary evil because i am a product of this culture.  therefore, i’m drawn to travel.  i wanted a car to see what lies on the other side of of the mountain ranges to my east and my west.  i know the answer – some of the most beautiful mountains in the country and the pacific coast – but i want to see them and touch them.  also, it’s more to escape for a time.  i sent an e-mail to all of my co-workers to announce that i was in the market for an early-80s diesel truck, preferably small.  we have 100% biodiesel here so i thought it would be the less of the necessary evil.  enter jack into my life.  jack is crazy – medically.  he called the office about 3 days after my e-mail (he never read it) – his message spoke of sensing energy there that matched the energy of his truck.  he said he “had” to call.  so i give him a ring and experienced one of the craziest phone calls of my life – i wish i would have recorded the whole thing.  at the end of the conversation – jack decided that he was just going to bring the truck up to me to look at.  i wanted to be not talking to jack and hearing all about his plan to buy a kayak, equip it with solar panels, and paddle around the world.  jack shows up two days later and scares nearly everyone on site with crazy babble and i eventually meet him on the other side of the highway at his request.  the truck is awesome and i want to buy it.  but it’s too expensive.  jack is fully tweaking out as i look the bent rear bumper over.  he’s talking about how he’s off his meds and about to snap.  he has to get the truck off the trailer he drove it up on.  i don’t argue because i don’t want jack to try to stab me.  he told me he’d only sell it for $4500 – then he said he’s pay me $500 if i’d just take it – finally he told me that he’d take $4500 but give me $2000 back after i paid him.  it make no sense.  i find myself standing next to the truck, filled with jack’s shit, keys in hand as he speeds away.  my instructions are to drive the truck as much as i want – sell it if i wanted to – and wait for jack to call me about how much i could pay and when i wanted to go out for the steak dinner that he insisted we arrange (again, no talk of veganism for fear of being shanked).  i drive it – i like it – jack calls and accepts $1500 (d0wn from $4500) for the truck.  i think i have a nice little truck with a sleeper cab to adventure in.  two days again, while i was working on the oyster mushroom installation (bioremediation for the biodiesel pump), jack shows up – i assume to take my money for his solar powered kayak.  no.  he’s hitched up from 25 miles south .  he sold the car to someone else and asks for the keys.  i just give them to him and count myself lucky for getting rid of him from my life for time.  he tells me that he’s shown me the secret of my energy power (i had to promise not to tell anyone) and that he’ll remember me when he makes billions from reworking the interstates with a chain driven cable system (think rollercoaster being pulled up a hill, but for cars).  then he and the truck are gone.  so i almost bought a truck.

i’m sick of typing.  i’ll write more later when i’m not so impatient to read my new books on fruit trees.

horses made of gold.

o.k.  so here it is – the long anticipated update on my life in california.  all and all, life is very good right now.  the following things have happened:

• it has stopped raining for days at a time and thus, my nights in the tent are much more comfortable.
• i have recently be offered (and have accepted) a new job as the intern coordinator for the solar living institute.  very awesome – i’m amped.  this means that i’ll be making money, having full benefits – all while still being able to learn a lot and have the option to go to antarctica if i get a job offer (and i still want to go).  if the ice falls through, i have to option to sign on full time at an organization in which i see a lot of potential.
• i have had two job interviews for antarctica over the phone and two more solid possibilities online.  i think that i’ll most likely get offers for an alternate.  this means that i have to go through the whole hiring process and be “on-deck” if someone cancels at the last minute.  the chef from food services told me that he went through nine alternates last year and that the chances are strong that i’d go if i got that offer.
• the wildflowers are in bloom in hopland, california.

so yes, life has been very excellent recently.  i officially start my new job on monday, so i’ve been passing the days between by working on various things.  mostly, i’ve been helping build the showerhouse, which is natural building made of cob (combination of clay, sand, and straw that is very easily shaped and very hard when it dries.  i read a lot, cook alot, and just got really tired all of the sudden.  i’ll fill you in on details later.  here’s a question:

back in the day, i bought a tripod to take with me to seattle and san fran.  this tripod broke only a week after i bought it and i returned to the store where i bought it to exchange for a new version.  the new one was broken right out of the package (same trouble with the locking mechanism on the leg).  so i contact the company that makes the tripod and call bullshit.  they agree to exchange the broken one for any tripod that i want.  so i have to choose.  i am planning to buy a gorillapod to keep in my bag for the rare occasion when i need a tripod.  i could get their small tripod in exchange so that i can pack it along with me (not really necessary considering the gorillapod) or i could get their largest and fanciest one just because i can.  it’s heavier/longer, so i can’t pack it as easily, but it would be good to have it for the really rare times that i need a tripod bigger than a little gorillapod.  so what should i do?  get the big one because i can?  or stick to the small one because it is more easily travelled with?  please comment.

i’m going to bed.

endgame.

right.  so i live in california now.  i don’t have a car and the town i live in has about 800 people – mostly, from what i have seen, high school girls and people that rev their engines.  so i hang out with the people i live with a lot.  we make food, build shit that entertains us, and have campfires.  it’s pretty much awesome – everyone is warming up and i like it.  i’ve found that i’m quite the communal creature these days.  but when there are only 10 people around, it’s hard to always be hanging out with someone.  even if there was the potential, i wouldn’t want it.  i like the solitude every once and a while.  the nice part is that there is an amazing library that i have have access too – the complete lord of the rings to how to go off grid completely.  right now i’m in the middle of the solar living sourcebook, beginners beekeeping, straw-bale building, and – thankfully, endgame, volume one by derrick jensen.

jensen has come with high remarks from multiple people in my life that i respect a great deal.  although i was told by eli that it would be best to read the culture of make believe before endgame volume one, i am of limited resources (my new friend massey said that she would bring me a copy sooner or later), i jumped into the book.  at minimum, i read every morning for 30 minutes while i drink tea and eat oatmeal with maple syrup.  i’m just at the beginning, but i like it a lot already.  here is a good passage i read – and reread this morning:

“because we as a species haven’y fundamentally changed in the last several thousand years, since well before the dawn of civilization, each new child is still a human being, with the potential to become the sort of adult who can live sustainably on a particular piece of ground, if only the child is allowed to grow up within a culture that values sustainability, that lives by sustainability, that rewards sustainability, that tells itself stories reinforcing sustainability, and strictly disallows the sort of exploitation that would lead to unsustainability.  this is natural.  this is who we are.”

i think it can happen – it has to happen.

here in california

well i made the leap – and after only partially looking.  after nearly a week of travel by bus, train, and other people’s car, i arrived at the solar living institute in hopland, california.  the trip was long, but awesome.  i’ll try to describe it in brief bursts of description:

the greyhound – the trip was long and filled with a lot of people that i had nothing in common with.  they talked about doing drugs, divorce court, and mainstream pop-culture.  mostly, i kept to myself by listening to music, reading by lamplight, and staring out the window.  the most memorable moment was when during a pee-break in kansas.  i walked into the bathroom to find a fella at the urinal and the one next to home open.  i have no problem peeing next to someone, even if there isn’t a divider wall.  as soon as a saddled up to go, the guy next to me – stinking of cigarettes and intolerance – immediately zipped up and announced to the crowd that has lined up to be on-deck that he couldn’t stand it when “mother-fuckers like this guy stand next to me when i’m trying to piss – i can’t go.”  i immediately started laughing and announced that it was ridiculous and that maybe he should use a stall.  this cemented my “mother-fucker” label for the rest of the trip – i normally wouldn’t have said anything but in that i’d never seen the guy before the bathroom, it was completely ridiculous.  i was also at least a foot taller than the guy and had him by about 20 pounds.   all and all, the bus was cramped, and i arrived in denver very tired.

denver:  was a lot of fun.  it snowed when we rolled into town.  i managed to ditch my bags in a paid locker so that i could roam freely before seattle-six picked me up at the bus station.  i love walking around cities – not really going anywhere, just exploring.  i rode the buses, bummed around the library (the only big city library that doesn’t have wireless!), art museum, and state history museum (the free parts).  i tried to tour the denver mint – but it was booked solid (i guess people are really hung up on staring at money).  i found a good burrito (with free wireless!) and an excellent bookstore (the tattered cover).  i walked away with a full belly and three magazines.

raytheon job fair:  eli, mere, morgan, marie, bookis, n8, and cedar picked me up around 7:15PM – nine hours after i arrived – and we rolled to centennial, colorado.  it was awesome to see everyone again – the last time was in january when i was in seattle for two weeks.  it made me miss old friends and made the thought of six months with minimal human contact seem daunting.  there was a hotel, some amazing indian food, some terrible diner hashbrowns, and a cramped ride to raytheon’s polar services office.  the job fair was about 90% standing in lines and 10% talking with people that were – in most cases – not actually the ones hiring people to go to antarctica.  most conversations were a realization that i was woefully underskilled.  however, i had a lot of success with the food services, housing services, supply depot, cargo handling, and waste management tables.  i liked the people and the jobs sounded bearable.  so far there has been two call backs:  production cook and materials-person.  i’m still holding out for the waste management job.  probably won’t get it, but ya never can tell.

boulder – was a blast.  the gang dropped me at the 26th street mall an i waited for savie to pick me up.  he did and we proceeded to get warm off bourbon before heading to a really expensive and not that impressive concert.  the highlight was getting a drink spilled on me by a really cute waitress.  i always am impressed by people that do light touch – they need to get by and they gently put their hand on your side or your shoulder.  i think its really strange that people are so freaked out by touch – its really quite nice.  the second day i walked around boulder to check it all out.  i had a nice chat with kitty – who has moved to boulder from bloomington a few months ago.  it was a beautiful day and boulder is a nice place to visit – but i certainly wouldn’t want to live there.  in the evening, we went to a truly fucked up party.  it was at a bouldering gym, which was really cool.  there was breakdancing, decent djs, and a fair number of people.  but there was also really “artsy” music:  noise music with girls reverse stripping (nearly naked to being overly clothed) and a guy with a canvas and a marker in the mouth making “art.”  i had to hand it to the girls for getting down in a room full of strangers – i never thought that getting dressed could be so damn sexy.  the rest was crap.  there was also a fashion show that was composed mostly of topless girls painted in various fashions.  so overall, there was a lot of nakedness.  but when combined with the odd lighting, noise music, and drunk people it seemed like a very strange movie.  i slept in the back of savie’s truck before getting up to catch the bus to denver and my train west.

the train – this was perhaps the best part of the entire trip.  the scenery was amazing: the rocky mountain passes, the high desert of utah and nevada, and the pines of the sierra nevada mountains.  it was also awesome because i could: get up and move around; lean my seat back quit a bit, extend the leg rest, and stretch out on the seat next to me (i slept really well); hang out in the observation car; eat vegan gardenburgers in the cafe; have diner in the dining car; and meet really cool people in the process.  however, by the second day i was ready to be in hopland.  it was getting tiresome to haul around my stuff and worry about it getting stolen.  my ipod disappeared in the shuffle, which sucks.  but i’m pretty much over it by now.

california – i got to hopland last tuesday after a night in martinez (home of j.muir), a bus ride north, and a wait at the co-op in ukiah.  so far it has been a range of emotions.  all and all – there has been very little introduction to the whole place.  kinda every person for themselves.  in a way, this has been really disappointing.  for the most part, the interns here aren’t interested in hanging out or getting to know one another.  this is partially because everyone is either newly arrived or soon to be departed.  i’ve been pushing communal meals via big pots of soup, trays of roasted potatoes and lots of fresh bread, but no one seems to want to go beyond just eating and leaving dirty dishes for someone (usually me) to clean up.  i’ve come to the early conclusion that i’m not interested in living communally with anyone but close friends and/or those who are interested in equal division of labor.  it’s frustrating, but i’ve been working to not let it piss me off.  by and large, i am stoked to be here – communal life or not.  the site is amazing: huge solar arrays that produce all the energy we need, amazing gardens that produce all the food we need, a nice big kitchen, and a workshop full of tools and wood.  i’ve been building a lot of projects (solar oven, supports for the rammed earth shower house that is going up in the village, planning for a solar drying rack and a bouldering wall).  this has kept me occupied.  however, it has been raining a lot.  my tent was leaking after two sold days of rain so i transferred my stuff to the communal yurt (round mongolian structure).  i stoked the fire and slept pretty damn well.  the mountains are beautiful here – especially in the morning when they are shrouded in mist.  i have a feeling that i’ll like living here a lot.  i also had a job interview on friday for a staff position with the solar living institute.  it was for intern coordinator (i told them i didn’t expect to get it – its hard to be chief when you just moved to the village).  but if on some off chance that i get it, it would put me in norcal for at least a year.  so if that happens, i’ll have to decide between antarctica and california.  the potential the learn an incredible amount is practically dripping from the trees here.  it’ll be a hard decision if i have to make it.

alright, the rain has let up and the sun is shining.  time to dry out my sleeping bag and plaster a few walls in the winter sleeping quarters!