the signs of a time

it’s raining again in san francisco and i’ve found myself struggling with wet emotions that i haven’t seen in my neck of the woods for a long time.  i found that, at times, i have a desire to disappear – not because i am unhappy, but rather because i would like to look at things from a more detached perspective.  perhaps from there, i would be able to see things more clearly than i see them now.

i’m good and that’s good.  work is fine, though i find myself wanting to be less settled in routine and the predictability of my current working life.  i am due to be finished at the end of this month, but there is a chance that i’ll stay and take on a new role.  i don’t know if i will – right now i don’t know anything about where i’m headed for the next year.  the new job would be great and i would learn a lot/move forward with a lot of potential for new experiences.  but i fear the milk has soured and i need something different.  i’ve been plagued by restlessness and thoughts of the adventures that i’ve withheld because of my seriousness and my sense of commitment to those other than myself.  this has been my perpetual burden my entire life and i’m not sure how to shake it.  perhaps acknowledging it and challenging it is all that i can do.

my hair is long and i thought about the tips the other day.  they are the hair that i had when i still lived in indiana.  i thought about how hair is a history of your life that you carry with you.  i think about cutting it sometimes, but i’ve committed to make a life change when i do so.  for now, i have to contemplate what change would signal the need for chopped hair.

ashley and i are good – navigating the uncertain seas of our lives.  she is unhappy in her job and has committed to quit as of next spring.  with my job uncertainty and her departure from the current gig, we are even less certain about how we’ll ever live so that we don’t have to coordinate weekend drives for visits.  nothing is certain, but we’re enjoying the time as we have it.

more and more, i miss people in my life but i’m not sure who they are.  i guess i miss a connection that i never really had.  is it possible to miss a figment of your imagination, of friendships that you never really had.  i guess i miss deep connection with people that get me.  i don’t know if i have that after a couple disappointing interactions with people that i saw as close friends.  not so much those people being bad friends, but rather me realizing that they don’t really know anything about me and – perhaps – don’t really care.  i’ve found that i provide a caretaker role for a lot of my relationships and rarely is someone interested in how i am.  i have a few people that truly seek this understanding and i appreciate this; unfortunately, they make me aware of how many people don’t embody this compassion and push me further and further away.  i’m sure that i perpetuate this in my behavior and i hope that i can end this was soon as i am able.

no apologies on this post – i’m feeling a bit isolated but it will pass.  perhaps it’s the rain – perhaps i should just open the window and let it fall, knowing it has its purpose and it will pass in time.