luna moth

i’m back in indiana for my brother’s wedding.  i’ve been here since tuesday morning and i’ll be here until july 3rd.  so far, it’s been strange.  good – but strange.

i’ve found that i recently have had moments of profound disorientation.  normally i wouldn’t notice these, but i also have recently had moments of profound inspiration and clarity.  it’s hard to know what sparks the former.  sometimes it’s just thinking about it all too much – how much has changed is such a short amount of time – the people that i’ve lost and/or met along the way – the sense of having so much out there but not knowing where any one path will lead.  i suppose life and it’s purpose isn’t meant to be fully grasped by a mind.  it’s somewhat like thinking about the universe – how there is no edge, yet there is also no center.  it is always expanding while deepening it’s connections to itself.  to try to understand these connections and make patterns of them would be futile and maddening.  hence the mantra of living in the moment and seeking happiness in being present.  i’m working on this, but it’s hard.

as for the latter, those sparks are easy to identify  – the way that the mendocino hills look at sunset (with the golden grass holding the sunlight like prisms on the coastal ranges) – the smell of an indiana summer night after a day of rain – the incredible opportunities that i experience each day – the humble appreciation for the simple things, like becoming really good at making my niece laugh hard and for teaching her to say my name – the luna moth that floated like a ghost around the work light tonight as i helped kevin upholster a seat for the wedding.

i’m assuming that these opposite experiences of connection and disconnection are normal.  but it’s certainly hard to have the latter these days of so much change – it makes you question a lot.  but i suppose the benefit is appreciating that we really don’t know anything about the world, about all which it contains, and about our role within it.  this is all most likely dreadfully boring – it was on my mind because i was feeling that disconnect.  but now it’s time for tea and bed.